Father Figures & The Road to Recovery | Ep 04 - Sottotitoli bilingue
I sat there and I smoked the crack and I drank the liquor and I was just sober so I mean it was like
it was gonna take a lot more to get me where I needed to be at and so I knew that I was very,
very sick.
All right, so glad we're here man.
Thank you guys so much for being on the Recovery Bell podcast.
I'm excited about today because I've got two of my best friends on here.
I've got Ryan McDermott and John Tyler Black AKA the JT.
10, 11, 12 years?
Somewhere in there.
This double digits now.
Mm-hmm.
And Ryan, you and I became friends probably six years ago.
Yeah.
And what I love about our friends.
you allow me to kind of be a little bit of me outside of the doors of the
church where we can kind of just talk real talk and and play golf and
just humor and so that's what I love about you guys you help you help me just to
remember that I need to be a good Christian leader but I can also just be
myself we can also have a little bit of fun yeah yeah so that's what we're gonna
today so we're gonna have fun but I wanted to tell you guys I mean you guys know a lot about my story but I wanted to kind of
just go back and talk about dads and generational bondage and small groups
one thing that you told me a long time ago JT and I'll never forget this you all
Who you surround yourself with even to the things you watch on TV and the music you listen to yeah
And I get that like I still listen to my stuff from like when I was younger Eddie better
At word so proud of you right now.
I Can't tell you I know any of the songs,
but yeah I don't know Such good stuff,
but they didn't drive me to drink, but it puts me in times where I would remember it.
I started drinking alcohol.
My first blackout drunk was about 13 years old in a little town in South Carolina, and I wanted to fit in.
Like I wanted to hang out with an older crowd because I felt like if I hung up with an older crowd,
I would be viewed as like this super cool person.
but then I was,
I was blacked out drunk, you laying as much hard, but I drank and became addicted to drugs from 13 to 30.
I blackout drink on the weekends, hanging out with friends, and I thought it was just like the thing to do.
Wagner's very small and so there wasn't a whole lot to do.
Yeah, I didn't have a lot of order.
I was raised by a single mom,
you know, and she worked two jobs and had three kids to care for and so my days were really free.
I didn't have any order in my life and when you don't have order, you have K.
I could really do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it
She didn't go home till late at night like we fixed our own dinners and took care of ourselves and got ourselves ready for school
And if I went to school that day, I mean a lot of times we skipped school.
This is elementary school I suppose I was just how old were you elementary school.
This was The majority of my life until I was 13 when she got married again,
and so But yeah, I started I started dipping it skull winter green long cut.
So I mean I started dipping at a young age and we were drinking at a young age.
That's the most Cleveland of similar the same.
Yeah I mean like you got to have that on your birthday.
You got to dip.
Yeah if you don't have the ring around your gene pocket then I don't even know if you're from Cleveland.
Probably not.
You what saying.
But I dipped up until I was you know 24, 25.
Spitting a bottle.
Caring around with it already.
I carry my back pocket.
I wasn't red like that, you know?
I was kind of preppy too, you know what I'm saying?
Preppy Dipper.
Yeah, I your outfit today, buddy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel.
I feel like Kennedy.
It's preppy as Cleveland can get.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I was 17, we robbed a company.
It a beer truck company in Cleveland.
I name the name, but we still have tattoo of limitations passed.
Yeah, for your telling me cases of alcohol out of these trucks.
We had a buddy that was like smoking the bandit to be able to fit.
No, he wasn't driving.
Okay.
He was parked.
It was at the distribution.
And so we had a buddy that was small enough to get inside the small hole in the cab,
and so went through that, just started handing us the cases out of us.
So we stole 57 cases,
and then when they found out who it was,
They took us to court, and the judge was like, hey, we need to get some of that alcohol back.
Whatever liquor and alcohol you have, we need to get that back.
And like, oh, there's not any left.
What you do is you drink it.
We it.
You drink all that?
So this kind of shift gears a little bit.
In your line of work now, you work with a lot of young adults.
And you talk about experimenting with these things when you were in elementary school.
Are there things that you do in your ministry
to try to safeguard those kids or try to reach those kids that you feel like may have issues with addiction or see it coming?
I think for me, it's more about not having a father in the picture and not helping to kind of give me guidance.
I didn't really have any one down me guidance.
I like dads play a huge role.
Huge role in that.
There's so many different aspects of life
to where you can grow more as a man whenever you have that male role model in your life.
At a young age,
I remember,
actually, I have a paper at home that I wrote down
to my future child whenever I was 12 on the father that I was gonna be.
And so like I made all these promises,
I would be at every game, they never have to question if they were loved and I would be a part of it.
I have it.
Yeah, I remember the early age that I made the decision that I was going to be like the best father that I could be, the best
man that I could be, everything that I didn't have I was going to be.
And now in ministry,
a passion of mine is just making sure that everybody feels loved and that they have somebody that's here for them,
a to be able to speak into your life.
Not just on Sundays, but also on the weekdays if it's needed.
That's my job,
you know,
and that's probably my favorite part about the job It's just to be able to speak into other people's lives and make them feel like somebody loves him and cares
Do you get a chance to hang out with with dads and you know,
just of coach them because we don't know what we're doing until We're coming in it,
you know,
I don't know if anybody really knows like what we're doing,
you know, it's At least for me, because I didn't have really the example to follow, so I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've got 20 boys that are 18 that are about to go to college and a 16 year old daughter
and now the 7 year old daughter and I know how to parent her.
But when we had the three, Brooklyn and I, we felt like we were...
being raised ourselves whenever we were trying to raise them because we were
living pretty wildlife when we first got married and then we get hit with twins
you know four months into our marriage boom but it's hard you know you don't
you don't really know how to parent if you don't have a model to follow you know
I get it so we feel like we're just trying to fill a void
where we felt like if we what we were missing in our life,
you know, and that's where we try to fill it in the most.
And sometimes you fill it a little bit too much, you know, because you try to overcompensate for things that you might not have had.
Right.
And then that, you know, sometimes that can kind of affect, you know, give it a negative effect.
But I think for the most part, my kids, They're loved.
They got a dad that's there for them that will not only is their friend,
you know, but also their father, you know, somebody has their discipline, lead them in the right way.
And think that's just the hard balance.
I mean, we grew up in the same town.
You and I did our experiences were different and you were talking about, you know, Mona's my life and your life do not align much.
I have never hung out with you when I was younger if we were the same age.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Ryan, maybe.
I don't know you'd want to, honestly.
Yeah.
Maybe Ryan.
But want to hang out with him.
So anyway, we would boys.
We would have been pretty tight.
I know JT has probably the cleanest whistle pass, but...
We live basically the same life.
drug lord in your past life.
I think it goes to a lot of what we're doing now as dads I had that I had that great example my parents were great mom and dad both
or speaking specifically to the dad part such a rock star and he never missed a game he never missed a practice Dad,
if you're watching.
I know I beat you early on in basketball 101.
I mean, but you were always playing with me outside.
He was just great.
He was always present at a young age.
I first, second grade, my dad was a minister at the time and so that's what I wanted to be.
We shared a while back at our men's conference.
The family unit was 17%.
likely to go to church and buy the mother's influence.
By the child's influence, it was 22% that the family unit would go together, that they would attend church regularly.
If the father under his influence of family unit is 94%
more likely to attend church and so you know we were looking through those stats and there's so many more that mirror
that but just the importance of that father figure in your life whether it's
going to church or grades being important or you know staying committed to your
sport you know my wife and I we had a conversation
a while back our daughter was in dance and she was just miserable but I just remember from
my dad like hey you start something you're gonna finish something and so we finished through this semester and it's so bad.
It's so bad.
It's I feel like if she wants to quit yeah I'm done.
You want to quit?
Yeah.
But it was just something that like we wanted to instill in her hey you you made a commitment.
Yeah.
And is it that important for at the time I think she's six or seven to be committed to dance?
No it's not.
But I think that's just a mentality that you instill in your children of,
hey, you need to show up for the things you're committed to.
And something that we often run into now as ministers,
like events and things like,
you know, just being non-committal, always looking for the better offer, those sorts of things that we just run into from.
People in general,
but if you can instill that in your kids just the principles the moral outside of the morals too,
but the integrity that you want them to have that different things in life.
Hey, guys.
Thanks so much for joining us today on the Recovery Bow podcast.
I wanted to give a special shout out and a thank you to Andrew and Natasha Lassader from Texas.
They own Atlas Health and Fitness, and Andrew and I became friends at the EXO conference.
I'm just so proud of them and the work they're doing,
and I just want to say a special thank you so much for your sponsorship to this podcast.
I could not do what I'm doing without your help.
Thank you so much Atlas Health and Fitness.
And one of the things I...
You're talking through AA and stuff, and I really treasure about you as like your ability to be over the top vulnerable, probably two vulnerable.
I'm sometimes...
Just so open.
Growing up a pastor's kid, I felt like I lived in a fish bubble and it was like...
They were waiting for me to mess up and so that's like something it just doesn't even compute with me
And so like I'm very private my struggles are going to be my struggles and nobody like even to tell my wife like that's something
We've been processing through the last month or so.
It's just my lack of ability to be vulnerable with people in general But I love it about the recovery community and work with small groups over the last 10 plus years,
done a lot with you and your time for recovery, celebrate recovery.
The recovery community understands doing life together better than anybody else I've seen.
They're open and vulnerable with folks in a way that just a normal Bible study doesn't get to very quickly,
but it's a necessity in that setting.
And not in a frivolous way, but it's...
purpose behind all of it.
And were asking me earlier today, you know, about small groups, specifically, are there enough recovery groups?
And I would say, at least, you know, at our church, there's never enough small groups in general, but specifically recovery groups.
And I would say that people in general don't feel qualified to leave.
a small group or to lead a discipleship element in the first place.
But especially when you add in elements of recovery, I you see that number of people who feel quote unquote qualified drop dramatically.
And would just encourage those watching like lead when you can.
Like there's a certain wisdom and sobriety and knowing yourself and all that there's wisdom in that.
But I would just encourage those watching in that sense of if you're at a church,
if you're leading a church, the recovery community does this better than anybody else.
AA, I mean, it's founded on biblical principles, but they do it better than anybody else.
So keep up the great work.
Don't be shy of being an example for the rest of us.
Sure.
I appreciate that.
You I told you this, and I'm in it.
That's the reason I wanted to put it on paper, like as a legacy thing.
So that people that they wanted to start a recovery group, they would have something that they could just keep conversation going.
And then it's kind of grown into this marriage.
Well, turns into a movie or a Netflix series.
I call being the cartel drug lord that that's going to be my role.
He's going to tell there you could.
Yeah, we'll make it happen.
Yeah, tell you a little bit about my story of what addiction was like for me.
So when I got out of high school, I had the opportunity to move to Augusta, Georgia.
I worked like my real first real job where I could afford to live on my own.
And that's when I really started experimenting with other drugs.
I was fired from my job for smoking marijuana and my stupid thinking was,
well, I can switch from this drug that takes 30 days to get out.
So maybe I can do cocaine because it stays in you for three days,
you know,
and so That's why my mind worked and so I switched from marijuana
I don't think I smoked as much pot as I used to but then I switched to cocaine and
That's when like I really got into drugs like cocaine did something for me
That I'd never felt before yeah So I started doing a lot of cocaine,
probably to the point where it was maybe a couple hundred dollars throughout the week,
you know, for what I could afford, you know, and then I started doing it alone, and then I doing it in the morning time.
And then I found out that that three-day drug,
I was thinking in my mind that if I did it on Thursday or Friday,
if I got a drug test by Monday,
I could pass it and I didn't I failed I failed another drug test and so I got
fired from that job and this was this was not too long after September 11th 2001
I felt an application at a cable communications position in Cleveland Tennessee Cox case And she got off Leland,
Tennessee, I need to be the title of this episode to Cleveland boys to Cleveland Tennessee boys on the same Cleveland Representing you know wait anyways, so I had taken some ecstasy
What right it's about I thought that it would take two to three days to get out of my system I was like,
okay, I'm gonna smoke weed.
I'm gonna not gonna do anything else I'll take the ecstasy because it only takes a few days get out of my system
I'll take the the drink I had that drink that you could you could buy online that'll you know kind of clear it
I didn't do the job.
I do the funding So I went in I took my drug test and then a few days later.
I got hired She called me was like, hey, you the job.
You'll start this week.
You'll do orientation got a And then she calls me back two days later and was like,
hey, so you got the job, but your drug test came back and heroin showed up in your system.
And I was like, I've never done heroin a day in my life.
And she was like, well, it's in your drug test.
And I was like, I no idea how that got there.
And I was like, well, wait a minute.
Did mix them up?
Wait a minute.
Did you take a leak?
So now, SEC has a mixture of MDMA, cocaine.
It could have heroin in it.
It could have like, they have different mixtures of ecstasy.
Like you could get different sizes, different types.
You could get double stack single stack,
but they would all have something if someone have acid someone have more uppers You know like I don't know that they'd be laced with something different and so I them Walter white over here
I like it cleared everything out of my system except for
That piece of heroin or whatever rock that was in there So you were saying that I was like,
so did you get the or not?
I get the job.
I was like.
But they wouldn't let you know if you're going anywhere else.
Can you get this heroin out of your system?
Yeah, I need to get the heroin out.
Like the summer time of 2010,
I worked for the little town of Wagner and I was drinking during the day and I was smoking crack during the day and I'll never forget the mayor of
the town.
He was the first person that ever asked me this and he said,
Are you an alcoholic?" And I was taken back for a minute and I said, no sir, I don't think so.
Why would you ask that?
He said, because you're drunk right now.
And he sent me home, this was...
You no, that's just the crack.
That's just the crack, right?
Alcohols for later.
Yeah, alcohols for later.
Crack this morning.
Alcohols later.
Definitely drunk.
Because I loved it in the morning.
I love crack in the morning.
I love liquor in the morning.
And I love watching the Golden Girls in the morning.
It reminded me of my grandma.
Not the cracker, the liquor, but the Golden Girl.
I was about to say.
And...
He's got different.
That night I went to the pigly-wiggly.
And I bought three bottles of Tylenol PM because I remember watching a cat Williams stand up and he said if you take enough Tylenol,
it'd be the last headache you have and I committed to taking all those pills and I did I didn't I don't think I took every one of them,
but I know I took at least a full bottle and a half with a pint with a pint of liquor or a liter of that night.
The next morning I woke up like at six o'clock in the morning like it was just a good time.
Nothing Nothing happened.
And so I went to the Doteman's house and this was the last time I ever smoked crack or drank liquor and he gave me $60 for
free.
Because I didn't have any money and I went to a cemetery on that same dirt road that I wrecked on and
I sat there and I smoked the crack and I drank the liquor and I was just sober
so I mean it was like
It was gonna take a lot more to get me where I needed to be at and so I knew that I was very very sick
and by this time I went back to the trailer that I lived in and I looked in
the living room and there was just empty liquor bottles everywhere.
I had turned my own water off because I didn't pay the water bill.
You're in in cups on counters.
I mean it was just a pig style.
I laid on the bed and there was a phone book on the floor and I called
And I told him this whole story with a bunch more included and I said you
know I've got an issue and I gave him my insurance information and I was able to get into treatment.
They said yeah, we'll fly you down today.
Just get to the airport.
We'll tell you the flight now Well,
about this time, the mayor pulled up in my driveway and two police officers, and I went to jail for panhandling.
When ran out of money or didn't have grass to cut, I would borrow money and I wouldn't pay people back.
I spent two weeks in jail.
I got out and I called that same place back because Judge Williamson said, look, you're going to go to prison for four months.
or you've got to get help and they said well you did two weeks in jail I said yeah
they said we can't take you that's you detoxed you can that's considered detox
in jail and I called another place it was Florida Center for Recovery they they
I told them the whole story and when I just done and they said get on a
plane tomorrow
and so I got to spend one day with the boys and because at this point I was seeing him I think every other weekend.
How were then?
Christian was three and Cameron was four.
So they didn't really understand what was happening.
No but but when we would ride by the liquor store did he would say
Diddy store you know so he he started knowing little bits of stuff right do they
remember anything now like today they remember anything goodness they don't but
I tell them everything yeah so I went down to Florida I spent 30 days in Florida
and it was like hitting I call it like the life's biggest reset button
I did 30 days there and then I went into a sober living facility in Lexington, South after that.
I started seeing the boys every other weekend and then me and their mom got back
together about three months later and our marriage lasted for about nine months.
And she's a great woman.
She's a great mom, it just didn't work out.
And we got divorced, and she let me take custody of the boys.
And me and Cameron and Christian,
we moved into an apartment, and we started over, and I went to a 12 step program and worked through that.
I started my recovery process and I still,
I didn't feel lost,
but I mean I was doing a lot to be a provider and trying to,
you know, be a better and not have, you know, drinking or using.
And then I got an invitation to church and it was during Easter and even though I had these walls put up, I came.
and you know the first three Sundays I just I cried I mean I cried the first
Sunday Marty Pastor Marty Baker was delivering a message and it's like he
knew how to speak the twelve steps and I heard it in his message and how
you know and fast forward through that I met my wife I love story I remember that
when y'all got that's when we kind of met we you wouldn't hang out with me
until I had a wife but after that we were friends and get go to pizza
joint that was our first double date remember that and I appreciate that because I
just started to understand the power of small group yeah JT and Ryan we've had a
great conversation but if you had the opportunity
to talk to yourself when you were younger would you give yourself advice and what would that advice be
but really falling in love with like reading the bible in a different way
so you would have dove in like earlier like in middle school
yeah and i read the bible in a way like i would sit up with mom with dad like i would
memorize stuff for like the gold star and things i did it on such a way that was just
Manufactured and for the wrong reason like on the Bachelor for the wrong reasons.
I was there for the wrong reasons Yeah, but I could yeah, I wish I had done the same thing.
That's something I've really tried to make a priority this year I can't fathom the love of God and that's just something that I've identified that I've been wrestling with of like
Accepting it like being good enough in a way and you're never good enough as a believer
You know only Jesus helps with that but understanding the love of God has passed the things but he just loves me,
like the fatherly type of love and learning that through loving the scripture and understanding the larger story at a bigger picture.
Oh man, mine would probably be, except discipline, hold yourself accountable and be more aware of who you circle yourself around.
That's good, yeah.
Yum, that is really good.
I really mean this when I say it.
I love you guys,
because of your friendship,
Because of your transparency and because you just hold me accountable like I've messed up before and Ryan's come in here And we had conversations.
I've messed up before and JT comes to have conversation and it's not just work stuff.
It's like he's messing up Yeah, there's not enough time on the episode for that, but you know, I needed that my whole life.
And so to have it now, that's why I'm so open and vulnerable to listen is because I'm still learning.
I've been going to church here for 12 years.
I've been on staff here for nine.
I look at myself as a 12 year old Christian,
you know, I told you in the beginning that when I started drinking, I was 13.
And when I got sober, I was 30.
And so I'll celebrate 14 years in September.
Let's go.
But I'm a very young Christian and I'm only 20 almost 20 something years old as far as just doing life
Yeah If I look this good in mid 60s, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
But anyway, I do appreciate you guys coming on the episode today And I just appreciate your friendship.
So thank you guys for coming on and hearing me out.
Hey everybody Thank you so much for joining us today on the recovery valve podcast I'd love to connect with you.
If you would like to connect with us You can reach us on our Instagram page at recovery valve and on that page
We have a link that you can pre-order your book for your marriage after recovery getting our life back together.
You can also our website at recoveryval.com or you can email me direct at recoveryval at gmail.com.
Thank you so much for joining us today.
I forward to getting with you again soon.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gold Mac Newsome Electric.
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